George W. Bush Is A Very Funny Man

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When Dan Quayle dropped out of the Republican primary race for President, comedians and humorists around the country fell into despair, much as if they'd lost a family member. Quayle, with his laughable quotes, actions and guffaws had provided them with a wealth of material for their monologues, stand-up gigs and columns. Indeed, when Quayle was in office, writing comedy material was often as easy as reading the morning paper and Quayle, the Presidential Candidate, offered a tantalizing promise of returning to those glory days of old. Being a resourceful bunch by nature, the funny men and women of this country immediately began looking around for a new "gold mine" of material after Quayle dropped out of the race. Their search was short lived as there, standing before them in all his glory was George W. Bush, Presidential Candidate, son of ex-President George Bush and current Governor of Texas.

George W. has the Republican nomination for President in his hip pocket and will be the Republican Presidential Candidate. He'll share the national spotlight with Al Gore (another comedian's dream, in his own right) for at least three more months and if he wins the election, the nation's comedians will fall on their knees, giving thanks to God, their mothers, the constitution and apple pie for allowing this four year long gift to fall into their collective laps.

To understand what makes George W. so funny, you need look no farther than the newspapers and magazines of the nation. Here are but a few of George W's pearls of wisdom.

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principals, come join this campaign."
HiltonHead, S.C., Feb 16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."
South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb 15, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
Concord, N.H., Jan 29, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan 27, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."
Des Moines Register Debate, Iowa, Jan 15, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, S.C., Jan 11, 2000

"I read the newspaper" When asked about his reading habits.
New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec 2, 1999

Like most of us, however, there's more than one side to George W. As funny as his remarks about putting food on your family and women not staining the house might be, there's quite an unfunny and dark side to George W. Bush, Presidential Candidate. It's been reported that George W. does a rather creditable impression of the Austin Powers villain, Dr. Evil. Now it turns out that he also did a rather mean spirited imitation of Karla Faye Tucker who, as you may remember, was a convicted double murderer and one of the very few women ever put to death by the State of Texas. Tucker became a Christian during the many years she was on death row and gained national attention with her pleas for clemency. Bush made fun of Tucker while discussing her case for Talk magazine with reporter Tucker Carlson. During the interview, George W. mocks Carla Faye's plea to save her life as he feigns desperation and whimpers, "Please don't kill me". For a man who claims to have had a religious conversion of his own, George W. shows little proof that he deserves the "Compassionate Conservative" banner he so proudly waves.

In this same interview George W. is asked about abortions in the State of Texas and whether they have decreased or increased in number since he's been Governor. His curt answer was, "I don't know, probably down. Not because of anything we've done." It's difficult to tell if this answer was simply due to lack of interest in the question or because his self-professed commitment to the Pro-life cause is not as strong as he would have us believe.

Finally, George W. has been called "The Polluter's President" by the Sierra Club and, indeed, there are some rather telling statistics to back up this claim. Such as:

* Texas ranks first in the amount of cancer-causing chemicals pumped into the air and water.

* Texas ranks first in the number of hazardous-waste incinerators.

* Texas ranks first in total carbon dioxide and mercury emissions from industry.

Environmentalists have charged that opportunity after opportunity to clean up Texas has been missed or ignored by George W.

But, I always say, never look a gift horse in the mouth. And, with that in mind we should look on the bright side. A vote for George W. is a vote for good comedy routines for at least four years. If you thought Clinton was funny (and, apparently, a lot of us did), you ain't seen nothin' yet until you see President George W. in action. Now who could ask for more than that!!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ken Kreps lives in the Pacific Northwest with his wife. He has written a number of published articles, essays and short stories, as well as numerous consumer and business pieces. Ken has also written scripts for Imagination Theater, an award winning audio drama series heard on over 150 commercial radio stations across the nation.

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