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1. If, after telling a prospect that only prostitutes and football players come from Green Bay, Wisconsin, he says, "Well, my wife is from Green Bay," your only proper response should be, "Oh really. What position does she play?"

2. When calling on companies in Texas, always wear a name tag that says your name is Billy Bob, call all women "little ladies" and sprinkle your sentences with lots of "Hot damns" and the words "gol darn". This rule applies even if you are a "little lady".

3. While standing at the punch bowl during a companies' annual charity fund raiser, it's a bad idea to slap the CEO's wife on the back and say, "Good hooch, huh sister."

4. Learn to Shrug off criticism. So what if a prospect tells you that your wife is a two bit floozie, your children have an IQ three points below lettuce and you have a face like a buffalo with hemorrhoids.

5. If you are unable to stop yourself and you pass gas during a presentation -- immediately point at the consultant and smirk.

6. Just after a prospect has signed a long term contract, a good sales person refrains from slapping them on the back while shouting "Gotcha."

7. If you are less than enthused with the furniture in a client or prospect's home, it is considered tacky to cup your hands in front of your mouth and shout, "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

8. Always be sure to place your phone extension on hold before turning to the person at the next desk and shouting, "That stupid clown just paid full price."

9. Be prepared for every sales call. Suddenly realizing that the person across the desk is the leader of the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels is bad enough without looking down and also noticing that you're wearing a button which says, "Motorcycle gangs really suck."

10. Learn to gauge the response to a system demonstration by certain key actions from those present. the following rating scale is from 10 (highest) to 0 (lowest).

10 - The prospect demands a contract so they may sign it immediately.

9 - The prospect keeps making remarks like, "Gee, that is really great. We have to have it."

8 - The prospect says, "Good looking system. let's talk about it some more."

7 - Most people at the demo like the system.

6 - Some interest in the system except for one person who keeps making snide remarks about your brother-in-law.

5 - When you ask if there are any questions, one man asks who won the world series in 1957.

4 - Three people fall asleep, one person does a cross-word puzzle and another leaves to join an obscure cult that worships re-fried beans.

3 - The Director of Product Development falls to the floor screaming, "I can't take any more" while beating his fists on his forehead. He then starts giggling and sucking his thumb.

2 - The CFO pours gasoline all over himself and lights a match.

1 - One person breaks open a case of AK-47 assault rifles and passes them out to the others.

0 - The CFO pours gasoline all over you and lights a match.

©2000, 2007 by Ken Kreps. This article may not be re-published in electronic or print media without the express written permission of the author. All rights reserved.